I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Congratulations! We have a period
So here I am, sexting at work.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
