If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
