If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
