Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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