I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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