so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
