For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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