yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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