Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
