: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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