I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
