Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
