Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
