I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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