so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You ate ashes out of my bong
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
