You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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