Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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