Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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