i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
