I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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