just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
