If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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