got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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