Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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