and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
