I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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