The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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