no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
