Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
