a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
