Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
