someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.