I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".