forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Your cock deserves a montage
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My bed smells like the plague
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