You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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