dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
