Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
