I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
