umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
