Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
