so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We left the knife in your bed.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
