Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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