Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
