Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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