I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
