my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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