oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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