We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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