There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
