I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
nutella sex= disaster
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
