I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
