grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
