by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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