i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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