It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
one might say we're banned from that church
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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