I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
