I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
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She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
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quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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