the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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