Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
