We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
