Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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