he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
