I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
