I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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